Constructive Barking

Posted: April 21st, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | Comments Off

Ever since having an allergic reaction to the Shingles vaccine shot in July of 2013, my health and well being has been in a tailspin. I’ll spare you the numerous hospital and ER visit details. The last 10 months had some fantastic bright spots along with some very dark bleak spots. Let’s just say this past winter was a rough one and I’m very thankful to embrace this year’s spring and summer seasons.

All of the various health issues seems to have caused my Fibromyalgia to really flare up, badly. I’ve been experiencing a lengthy bout of tremendous constant physical pain. That in of itself was beginning to wear me down. My family and loved ones have been asking me if I’m okay. Being uncharacteristically quiet seems to have raised some red flags.

Here is my public response and explanation(s) — my barking. It seems that I am apparently going through a bout of depression. I haven’t gone through one in decades. Lengthy health issues and then losing nearly seven relationships within 1-1/2 months time has seemingly taken a huge tole upon my spirit. I handled each relationship loss (as it happened) in an accepting logical manner. But when you pile everything all up, it seems my spirit has taken it all as a tidal wave of rejection and exhaustion– knocking me off of my gratitude coping keel.

Then pile on a big dollop of guilt for being creatively gummed up — personally, and in some collective creative endeavors — I’m, well …  scattered, depleted.

But you know what? This past week (after a well-meaning friend chewed me out for being depressed), I realized I needed to “bark”in one shot — explain myself. Here it is … I’m actually okay with being depressed. I am still grateful for all that I do have in my life. I’m still that gratitude gal. But, depression (anger turned inwards) is what it is.

Everyone has their limits. I rediscovered my aberrant people coping line in the sand. To the people who are getting upset with my temporary depressive status … Sorry if my limits of being able to brush off other people’s aberrant behavior has temporarily reached it’s limits. Sorry if my health issues have finally gotten the better of me. That my soul needs to gasp for air, to replenish itself. Sorry if all of this has upset your need for me to be your constant bedrock of positivity. I’m human. Go figure.

On a positive note, the more I relax into the reality of being angry, disappointed, worn down and lonely — the lighter it, the depression, seems to become.

But, if my depression upsets the collective “you”? Guess what, “you” can kiss my depressed ass. How’s that for coping?

Woof. Woof.

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