Hello Happy Autumn

Posted: September 26th, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | Comments Off

Cancer Girl grew all the more impatient as Cocopuffs the Tasmania Devilette & the Wombat of Love scurried about her in the spa’s luxurious bathroom.

Impatiently she asked them, “Is this stupid metamorphosis crap over with yet? I haven’t seen myself in months now. I’m beyond tired of wearing this stupid towel!”
Cocopuffs & Wombat paid her no attention as she continued on with her rant, “You idiotsticks covered all of the mirrors up. When can I finally see what in blazes y’all have done to me?”

She shook her finger at both of them as her voiced deepened, “I better look like a freak’n movie star or something. Just say’n.”

Cocopuffs rolled her eyes as Wombat pulled a sheet off of one of the mirrors, letting Cancer Girl see her new “do” for the first time.

She took a look at her new self, sucked in a deep breath. As she slowly exhaled she said, “Oh my Goddess. I’m not Cancer Girl anymore.”

Wombat batted her big brown eyes of earthy love, turned & knowingly nodded to Cocopuffs. With snarky pride Cocopuffs stated, “Nope. Nope you’re not.”

The rooster named Sissy ran full-throttle into the room. Sissy stopped & burst into a ball of flames. Pragmatically looking at the woman in the towel, the fiery rooster cocked her head to one side.  She then turned, looked at everyone else & crowed,  “Survivor Woman! Survivor Woman!”

All four nodded in agreement. Sissy was right. Cancer Girl had morphed into Survivor Woman. Forever changed.

Sissy deftly blinked her eyes a few times and then commenced to hightailing it out of the room as quickly as she could, leaving a streak of sparks trailing from her beautiful plume of tail feathers. Just when Sissy got to the door she turned around one last time to look at  Survivor Woman, Wombat & Cocopuffs, only to see them staring at her as they all chimed, “Bar-b-que sauce!”

 

 

For most people, spring and summer are carefree and joyful seasons. The confinements of winter are shed, along with layers of clothing and inhibitions. They embody freedom. For me, this past summer was quite the opposite.

They turned out to be seasons of learning how to reconnect, as a vibrant single woman, with society as a whole. My growing stronger, more healthy, more physically fit seemed to turn my chunk of the Universe upside down. They ended up feeling like seasons of confinement.

I became lost on how to decipher veiled intentions of men and women that interacted with me. I found myself lost in a churning sea of  other people’s insecurities, petty jealousies and carnal intentions.

Life was asking me to play ‘human poker.’ It was asking me to learn how to bluff and read through other people’s bluffs. It was asking me to learn how to be coy.

Flat out … I suck at being coy. I make for one horrible poker player. Deal me my hand, I’ll look at it; take a pragmatic look at what chance I have on improving it; cheerfully ask for some new cards and then succinctly smack the final hand dealt to me onto the table — “This is what I’ve got. If you can beat it? Beat it. If not? There ya go.”

Coy just isn’t one of my strong suits. Doing the whole dance of emoting or coaxing out veiled intentions feels beyond illogical to me.

Spring turned into summer. Lessons of coy continued being shoved in my face. I could feel my inner self shifting, rearranging, attempting to adapt. I started to get angry and then I just withdrew.

 

Mid-June Conversation With Liberty  (youngest heart-sister)

Me: Hey. “I think I finally know what’s going on with me.”

L: [Evokes her signature warm chuckle. One that can openly mock you and still make you love her all the more, all in the same nanosecond.]

Me: “Yeah. I’m happily depressed.”

L:  [Gives a full mocking laugh] “Okay. That kinda makes sense.”

Me: ” I’m not crying into my pillow depressed. I’m happy about life. Still beyond grateful to be alive. I’m just not, well, not my usual “WAH IN YOUR FACE!” self right now. Guess I’m unplugging for a bit.  Yeah, I’m happily depressed!”

L:  [With a mom's cheery "Hurray! You went potty all by yourself!" tone] “Go you!”

Me: [blasé tone] “Go me.  Guess this is my version of depressed. Yeah. I’m happily depressed.”

L: [flat out, full-blown mocking laughter]

Me: “F*ck you.” [laughing, we both hang up]

It looks like my wordsmith muse is insisting upon writing about all of my journey as a breast cancer survivor … Stories of relearning how to relate to the world, and especially the opposite sex. Stories of what it felt like to go through having your entire spirit’s insides rearranged — all because you screamed into the face of cancer with a smile — danced in front of the devil and lived to tell the tale with a laugh. Stories of being an audacious survivor.

Until these stories have been written out, I will say this much … This past summer was not an easy one. It was not carefree and lacking inhibition. I felt untethered from my center.  Not knowing who I am, what I’m about, where I fit in, how to fit in — really threw me for a loop. It wasn’t but until a few days ago that I even knew when to fit back in, to fully plug back into my spirit and life.

At early twilight on September 22, 2012, I drove to a Fall Equinox bonfire and drumming celebration.  The Led Zepplin song, “Wonderful One” best emulates my mood as I said goodbye that evening to an inner-tumultuous summer. I realized I was plugging back in as I soaked in fall’s subtle changes on one of my favorite road’s landscape, Frog Hollow Road. Happily so.

Calf-high pink grass fronds gently wavered in the wind. Acres of fading yellow cornstalks tried their best not to exhale the last breath of summer. One, and only one, tall scrawny tree dared to be brazen enough to be the first to start turning dragon’s blood red.

For me, it was a quiet loving goodbye to a brooding summer. Goodbye to a mist of metamorphosis that clouded sunny days. Goodbye to doubts of a heart beating with too much joy.

:: whispers ::
Hello Happy Autumn

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