What IS There

Posted: January 19th, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | 4 Comments »

The hairs on Cancer Girl’s neck and arms begin to vibrate. She turns to the Web Enchantress, who is behind a magical curtain, and askes her, “Do you feel that too? Can you sense something momentous is on it’s way?”

The Web Enchantress poked her head out from behind a large velvet-like curtain. The curtain itself seemed as if it was alive. Vibrant and delicate colors gently swirling, undulating and playing with each other. She answered in her usual calm amused tone, “You said something, CG?” She pulled the curtain completely back. The curtain’s colors moved, as if the Web Enchantress had plunged her hands into a pool of water and had disturbed little pockets of dye in it.

She saw the consternation on CG’s face. She walked over to her saying, “Sorry, I was busy working with the insides of your web site again. The fun of tinkering never seems to cease. Now what were you asking?”

CG repeated her question. The Web Enchantress walked over to a large window that overlooked  the edge of a valley laying at the foot of several large snow covered mountains. She motioned for Cancer Girl to come and see. She touched Cancer Girl’s hand, tapped her staff three times and then they were outside, standing in a light dusting of snow at the foot of the mountains.

She pointed half way up at them, “There CG. That is what you are sensing.” Rolling down the sides of the mountains was a dense mist that looked like thick fog. Slowly but steadily it was rolling it’s way towards Cancer Girl’s valley.  Sensing Cancer Girl’s trepidation she touched her hand and assuredly said, “It’s Divine Creativity, CG. It’s on it’s way, for you.”

There has been a restlessness stirring inside of me for a couple of months now. At first I thought it had to do with some of the changes that have been taking place in my personal life. One of which is my breast cancer reconstruction nearly being complete. The activities of having breast cancer will no longer be a driving focal point of my overall life. Was this reason enough to cause such a deep sense of restlessness? I didn’t think so.

This restlessness has been building up to a point that come New Years, I could literally feel it surging throughout my body. I started doing some exercise thinking this was the most constructive method to deal with excess energy.

I’ve been easing myself into doing different exercise routines several times a week. If you have Fibromyalgia and you start physically exerting yourself too fast you usually end up paying for it — with a bad flare-up. So, I’ve started out with walking — five minutes out, five minutes back; five minutes worth of some easy leg and glute exercises; or a simple Yoga breathing exercise, inhale while reaching my arms up into the air (palms up) and exhale while bringing my hands back to my chest in a prayer position.

The restlessness was still there. This past week, especially, it had even begun to affect my ability to get decent sleep. What the heck was going on?

Yesterday, while watching a TV show I had DVR’ed, “The Good Wife,” I found myself rewinding a particular scene, so I could stare at an abstract painting that hangs behind the desk of a character named Will Gardner.

I’ve always admired the abstract artwork pieces in their office set-up. I finally stopped rewinding and hit the pause button … just so I could stare and admire the large painting.  This is when I heard, in my head, “You can do that.”

Off and on, throughout my whole life, I’ve painted. But I’ve mostly painted portraits, fanciful female anatomy and plants. I would try to paint abstract but found myself unable to paint. I’ve been unable to just let go — be fearless, surrender to utter abandonment of my conscious mind, set myself free, let the colors speak.

Last night I finally got brave and spoke aloud my concerns about this persisting and ever increasing restlessness and what I had just heard in my head. I spoke with my kid heart-sister, Liberty Love.

We talked on the phone about both sensing that ‘something’ was coming in each of our lives. We’ve each been feeling like a wave of ‘something’ has been silently rumbling towards us, it’s intensity ever increasing. After we hung up I Googled ‘diy abstract art’ — one youtube video lead to another — until I landed on one that shook me to my very core.

This one abstract artist, Jonas Gerard, about literally verbatim repeated some of the things I had just moments ago, talked about with Liberty Love. That it takes being able to be utterly fearless to do abstract art. He spoke about tapping into a flow of  energy and how he has allowed himself to not be afraid of change — because abstract art is all about change. He also spoke of how he believes that his practice of meditation allows him the ability to tap into all of this with ease.



Subsequently, after all of this, and a deep meditation session last night, I surrendered myself … I am allowing myself to face my fears about abstract painting. I am setting afoot a journey into abstract art.

My tubes of paint have long ago dried up and I no longer have any blank canvases hanging around. Come next month this will be rectified. But for now? I will work with what IS there … my colored pencils and a sketch pad.

I’m not sure what it is about me that pushes myself to face fears. Maybe it’s the component that makes for the adjective that friends repeatedly pin to my being … audaciousness.

I don’t know. But I do know this … What IS there, is a wave of creativity begging me to surf it, swim in it, bathe in it. Writing alone just doesn’t feel like it’s enough to sooth this ever increasing restlessness.

What IS there, available right now, are my colored pencils, paper and a radio to blast energizing music.

What IS there for you, in your life?

Pin It

4 Comments on “What IS There”

  1. 1 Chad said at 6:52 pm on January 19th, 2012:

    Great post. Love that you call my wife, ie Liberty Love, the Web Enchantress, for she is truly enchanting :)

  2. 2 substrate ratio mushrooms said at 2:16 am on February 15th, 2012:

    Pretty beneficial post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have quite enjoyed reading your blog posts. Any way I’ll be subscribing for your feed and I hope you post again soon.

  3. 3 Avery Kerekes said at 6:46 pm on February 17th, 2012:

    Good post. Keep it flowing! :-)

  4. 4 Chérie said at 10:57 am on March 27th, 2012:

    So glad you enjoyed the blog! Hope to see you back soon. =;>