Minty Redneck Bikini

Posted: October 7th, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | Comments Off

    Okay, so the nipple reconstruction is done. For the most part the surgery itself, in comparison to the bilateral mastectomy and the permanent implant surgery, was a total slam dunk. I didn’t even need any heavy-duty pain meds upon waking up in the recovery room. One Percocet and I was ready to tear outta there and go home and eat some of my Dad’s great cooking.
    However, my eyes burn and my boobs look totally ridiculous!
    My boobs look ridiculous because of how they were dressed post-surgery. Thanks a lot, Dr. S … we need to discuss your sense, or lack there of, of post post-surgical fashion.

Aunt Judy Mae

    On top of each nipple that he created for me, he piled about 1/2″ thick worth of 3″x3″ pieces of gauze. Then he slapped on these huge see-through tape things on top of the gauze, making each boob waterproof.
    But good grief! I look like I’m wearing a super drunk redneck chick’s version of a strapless bikini top! Couldn’t he have at least plopped the gauze squares onto me in a diamond shape, instead of squares?
    Yesterday I showed Sharleen my “bikini top” and she cracked up laughing. One look at them and you swear you can hear some redneck chick saying, “Look-ee here, Jamie Sue! I can go ter Aunt Judy Mae’s pig roast and get me a ‘no strap lines’ tan at the same time!”
    If the gauze had instead been placed in a diamond shape? I could have at least fantasized that I looked like a Bond Girl on a Mars spy mission. Wear stretchy silver pants, pack a cool gun, strap a killer looking Marine knife to my thigh and pout my shimmering, glossy red lips. But noooOOOOoooOOOoo!!!! Dr. S went and made me look like a redneck!!
    Oh well, at least the clear tape stuff is a wonderful convenience. I can shower and avoid cloth friction irritation. Super convenient since the dressings won’t come off until this coming Monday.
    Now onto the eye burning issue. Some type of strong smelly antiseptic stuff was smeared all over my new nipples and incision lines.
    Here’s how to best describe the smell of the antiseptic stuff … Shove a tube of Crest toothpaste up your nose, squeeze liberally and then inhale deeply. Yah, “Yikes” is right! Every time I move around and the neckline of my shirt shifts? I get a good whiff of the stuff and my eyes burn.

Racaroonies are everywhere! Can’t believe I actually found a video of somebody doing this.

    Someone needs to suggest to the antiseptic manufacturer that they could at least try and make it smell a tad bit more like Chanel Nº 5. Geesh!

    I’d love to see some demented company executive and an advertising firm trying to sell this product to the mass market. I can see it now …

[cue head shot of a sparkling white toothed, hasn't eaten a piece of bread since she was 11 years old  model standing in front of a mall]

“Have your boobs ever smelled unfresh? Does that musky smell after a hard day of shopping bother you too?”
[slowly pan away to an upper torso shot, model places hands on hips, sways back and forth just a bit, tosses her hair back, shows off her redneck strapless bikini top]
“Then you too might love “Boobalicious Deoderant!”
[model leans forward, giggles, fluffs hair]
“Boobalicious, for that minty fresh feminine feeling, all day long!”
[model turns and skips off into the mall]

    Oh, by the way, I do NOT have anchovy nipples. Dr. S decided tho create more petite ones for me. If he had used the anchovies they would  have really stuck out, big time. They’ll still always stick out some, but they won’t look like clam neck nipples. Sorry, My Honey, I know that’s what you where hoping for.

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