You’re Just Not Right

Posted: March 24th, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

    Normally a comedy sketch writer doesn’t tip their sketch’s hand as to what the punchline is until the very end of the sketch. But, I’m going to break that typical writing rule today, it’s … “You’re just not right.”
    Twice, within three days time, I heard two different people, clear across the country from each other that had never met one another, tell me the exact same line … “You’re just not right.”
    Upon hearing this the second time, I knew I had to write about it to share on the blog.

     I  have an on-line female fishing buddy that I met in a fishing chat room a few years ago. We’ve come to affectionately greeting one another with a cyber hug and our nickname for each other, {{{{Cohort}}}}. That’s short for “Cohort In Crime.” Before sharing the story of her recent comedic jab at me, first let me explain how we met and how she came about earning her nickname.
    Several years ago, when I first met Cohort, Bonnie and I (when my baby heart sister, Shelly, wasn’t around) had kinda been ruling the female side of the roost as far as rabble-rousing would go in a fishing chat room on AOL.
    See, Bonnie is gifted at winding folks up with her rowdy, flirtatious style of humor. But she’s also gifted at laying down the comedic ground work for me to go in for the raucous and audacious comedic punchline kill. (Actually, I still think Bonnie just likes to let me get the blame for saying the outrageous ‘too good to pass by’ stuff out loud.) But, when Bonnie, Shelly and I were all three in the chat room at the same time? The crowd didn’t stand a chance. We were often told we literally had grown men crying from laughing so hard.

    After a few years of this fun, Cohort came onto the chat room scene. But she wasn’t a cohort in crime in the beginning. My mind’s eye first impression of her was that of an innocent bunny hopping along a hiking trail. So adorable with sincere innocence you just wanted to scoop her up in your arms and hug her all day.
    So, needless to say, us fishing room gals shocked the heck out of her for a good while. She did a lot of “OMG OMG OMG!!!” comments for quite some time — that is, until she got brave and would throw in a few comedic punches of her own. Her innocence made her punchlines all the funnier. That’s when Bonnie and I started to affectionately greet her as {{{{Cohort In Crime}}}}. The nickname has stuck ever since.
    Okay, onto Cohort’s recent comedic jab at me … A few days ago she IM’ed me to ask how I was doing. I caught her up to speed on my boob situation.
    I told her that I’m finally at the size I’ll end up being. It’s smaller than was I originally was, but busty enough that I like the curves, as does my Honey. She asked me what was next in line for me then.
    I proceeded to tell her that now we’ll go into what’s called the “over expansion stage.” We’ll over inflate the temporary implants so they’ll stretch the chest wall muscles way out. This is done to compensate for any muscle constriction once the softer permanent implants are in place.
    I said, “I’m gonna walk around looking like freak’n Dolly Parton! Maybe I should get a Dolly wig, run around town with my guitar, singing her songs!”
    Cohort types back, “You’re just not right!”
    I died laughing and typed back, “OMG!!! That’s the second time within three days that somebody has said that to me! I love it! I’m on a roll!” I then proceeded to tell her about the first time.


Dolly Parton

   Dr. S got done with the latest saline injection. I looked down at my boobs and said, “Dang, these are some boobs!” He went on to tell me that if I liked this size we would start going into the over inflation stage. I asked how many injection sessions that would take. He told me about three or four more sessions. I looked down at my boobs and then it sank in as to what they’d end up looking like during that phase. I looked back up at him and said, “Holy crap! I’m gonna look like a freak. I’m gonna look like Dolly Parton!” He did his usual head shake with that “you say the darndest stuff” look.
    I went out to the front desk to book my next injection session. Damaris was with another patient at the time so I defaulted to a new office quarterback sitting next to Damaris that I hadn’t met before. Since I don’t know her name I’m just going to call her Deloris.
   Please indulge me, let me take a scene set-up sidebar here. If I got to cast/direct an actress to play Deloris for this story, I’d go about it like this … First, I’d beg Olivia Dukakis to play Deloris. Olivia has a grace about her, as well as feminine strength and compassion that flickers in her eyes that you can tell has come from truly having lived life. She can play a gracious, tough broad like nobody else can.

Olivia Dukakis

    I’d direct Olivia to approach the role of Deloris as if she was a woman who had already well-earned her retirement and pension from working a zillion years as a psych nurse, or a police commissioner’s secretary while raising a gaggle of kids. I’d tell her that Deloris took this job as a receptionist as a means to earn a little extra money. But mainly, to get a break from the insanity of her gaggle of adult kids and their “adorable” kids who continually parade through “Gramma’s House” with all of their family drama.
    In other words, Deloris looks like she has personally witnessed and/or heard of just about any type of shenanigan or dumb tomfoolery that a human being could possibly commit and/or dream up to commit. She’s seen and heard it all, yet, she’s still strong enough to possess compassion.
    Okay, back to my story … Deloris was busily hunting up an appointment time for me in the computer when I noticed that Damaris was finally done with her patient. Damaris gave me a, “well?” look. I pulled back my jacket to reveal my new boobage progression. I told her I thought this was as big as I wanna go for a permanent size. Then we got to talking about the over-expansion phase.
    I put my hands about 6″ in front of my boobs and told Damaris, “I’m gonna be out to here! I’m gonna look like freak’n Dolly Parton!” She laughed, I continued on, “On my last visit before surgery, maybe I should walk in here with my guitar, with a Dolly wig on and sing some of her songs.”
    Quickly I looked around the waiting room, it was just us gals and my Dad watching me cut up. I stuck my boobs way out and burst into a full-voiced twanging song, “Joleen, Joooleeeeeen. Please don’t take my man, just becaaaaause you caaaan!”
     Deloris went to hand me my appointment card. She looked up at me with a deadpan look that only a woman as I would have had described Olivia Dukakis to play this scene out for me could. Deloris raised one eyebrow, slid the appointment card my way and wryly said, “You’re just not right.”

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One Comment on “You’re Just Not Right”

  1. 1 Anonymous said at 4:11 pm on March 30th, 2011:

    That's good stuff, Dolly.