Nightclub Act II

Posted: October 7th, 2010 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | 3 Comments »

Out of respect for any conservative blog followers … 
This particular blog will contain potty-mouthed, sexually graphic material. 
If this will offend you, please DO NOT READ IT.
But, please, do continue to pray for my health & my heathen soul.
Thank you. I love you all!
::: Cancer Girl does one last glance over in the mirror.
Oscar de La Renta jacket looks schnazzy, jeans are zipped, hair is spiked, no lipstick on the teeth.
“Go kill ‘um again, Diller!” She steps out onto the nightclub stage. :::

[the MC says my name, audience gratuitously applauds]
    Thank you! Thank you! Good evening Wenches ‘n Gents! I’m am indeed Chérie.
    Hello! Hello! Warning folks, [pauses] I’ve been thinking.
[takes the microphone out of the stand, begins to slowly pace across the stage, returns to center stage]
    Okay, my brain has been percolating. In fact it’s been in overdrive. Out of this came my hot comedic topic to cover tonight … Why we get cancer.

A Breast Cancer Cell

    Like, what’s the logical and/or philosophical reasoning behind cells in our bodies going wonky — to the point of potentially killing us? See, my overly analytical mind has been mulling over this question ever since cancer was shoved into my personal chunk of the Universe. Ever since I got told “you have breast cancer.”
   Bear with me, this really is a hot comedic topic to cover.
[points to two women sitting at a table together]
    I saw you two whispering, and I know what you were say’n too! Uh huh.
[starts speaking in Valley Girl]
   “Like O-M-G! You are so riiight, Janice! Like how are we gonna get to pick up guys at the bar after her yammering on about, eww, cancer stuff? This is total bummer stuff.”
[fluffs hair, goes back to normal voice]
    Am I good or am I good? Swami Chérie Lama speaks! I’m psychic!
    Trust me girls, all you need to do is wait it out ’till one more act after mine. Then just strut around standing up nice and straight — show’n off your tatas — bat your eyes a little, smile pretty, and you’ll still have a good shot at getting picked up tonight.
[struts around on the stage, while doing an exaggerated girly walk loudly whispers]
    My gratuitous man tip for the night … Men tend not to remember eww type stuff for very long when they’ve got a set of nice tatas attach to a smiling face in front of them.
[stops strutting, chuckles]
    You’re most welcome, we gals have gotta stick together ya know.   
    Sorry, sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, WHY do we get cancer?
   What’s the the rhyme or reason behind it? You know what I think? I think this whole cancer thing is cruel revenge being doled out by the Devil. Yeah, yeah, the Devil.
    And, and, here’s what else I think. I think the Devil is a woman! I’ve even named this theory of mine. I call it the “Lucifer Lucinda Cancer Theory.”
[walks over and leans down towards a man chuckling in the front row, points to him]
    Oh, ho ho! Dude, I think I know why you’re laughing!
[does a dramatic psychic type trance, swaying and moaning]
    Shh, Swami Chérie Lama is tuning in … [pauses, sways and moans some more] You think my saying the devil is really a woman is funny is because in your mind you’ve pictured an ex-girlfriend as being a bitch devil!

Meg Tilly

    Wait, wait, I can hear her now, what she said to you … [does Meg Tilly type breathy voice] “we can still be friends,” and, and, “it’s me, Honey. It’s not you. Honest, Honey. We just weren’t in sync.”
[sways, shakes head, as if coming out of a trance]
    Hey, Dude? From what I picked up? Ten to one, she meant your cunnilingus skills are for total crap.”
[blows the guy a kiss, lets out a long sigh of satisfaction]
   Ahh, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, but that psychic transmission felt too good to pass up on. Sorry, Dude, but you were just looking like a jelly filled donut my cancer rage needed to pop. [winks, bats, eyes, does an exaggerated smile] Thanks for helping me feel better though.
   Okay, okay, getting back to my “Lucifer Lucinda Cancer Theory.” I think the Devil is a woman because I’ve theorized that after God and Lucifer got into it, and God ended up kicking Lucifer out of heaven, God turned Lucifer into a woman. A cursed woman no less.
[makes booming thunder sounds]
    That’s God announcement sound effects by the way … [makes some more, speaks in a booming mans voice]
    “You are now, for all eternity, a woman! I shall name you Lucifer Lucinda Rosanna Rosanna Forever Pissed Off Danna! For all eternity you will now be in a constant state of PMS. You will for all eternity have a vaginal bacterial infection that will feel like there’s a nest of fire ants living in it!
 [whispers, in a normal voice] Wait, this curse gets worse. [makes more thunder noises]
    And, and, you’ll NEVER, EVER get to call out my name in a state of joy! No, you will NEVER get to have an orgasm! Yeah, for all of eternity! You’ve been cursed, now be gone with you!”
[makes booming thunder sounds again] Oh wait, one more thing, you’ll be stuck on earth forever more too! Now get outta here!
[makes fading away thunder sounds]
    Hot damn! [stumbles back, wipes brow] Now THAT’S the makings for one pissed off hell fire bitch on an eternal rampage!
    For all eternity you’re going to have to walk around too bloated to wear your favorite jeans, craving chocolate so badly you’re almost willing to eat cocoa colored wallpaper? Then pile onto that, 24/7 your VahJJ feels like it’s being eaten alive by Fire Ants?  And, and, then on top of all of THAT, you’ll never get to have a Big O either? For all of eternity? W-T-F, man!?!?!?!
[fakes a Spanish cussing streak] No wonder the Devil is more evil and meaner than a mother-in-law!!
    Okay, gals, a test here, for just a few seconds, I want you to watch the man sitting closest to you.
    Men? For your visualization edification, so you can empathize with us gals? A vaginal bacteria infection would be the equivalent to your having a thousand Fire Ants crawling around inside your gonads, gnawing away with full gusto!
[raises hand up in the air] Gals? Raise your hand if the man you were observing either grabbed at their nads or squeezed their thighs tight, as if to protect them when I said that?
    Uh huh, look at all those raised hands! [laughs]
    Uh huh, uh huh. See, see? NOW my Lucifer Lucinda theory doesn’t sound quite so stupid anymore, does it? It’s starting to make total sense now, huh? [emphatically nodding head yes]
    Anyway, this Lucifer Lucinda theory of mine is why I think I’ve figured out a totally acceptable philosophical explanation that can stand up to any current scientific answer as to why we get cancer.
    I mean, think about it. It would take a cursed woman like that, walking around stuck on earth for thousands upon thousands of years, maybe even billions of years by now, to be a reasonable explanation behind all of the inhumanities and diseases put upon the human race.
    Personally speaking, I think just the curse of never getting to have an orgasm for all eternity would be reason enough for ME to wreak utter havoc on all of humanity.
   I mean, can you imagine, always alllllllllmost just getting there for all eternity? Forever being riiiiight on the edge of that moment of bliss and NEVER getting to explode into that magical moment of calling out God’s name in ultimate carnal joy?

Lucifer Lucinda Rosanna Rosanna Forever Pissed Off Dana?

    It’s gotta be her/its revenge in full mode when we’re half a hair width’s worth away from cumming that we can’t. Can’t you just see her/it invisibly standing there, all PMS bloated, insanely craving chocolate with Fire Ants shooting out of her VahJJ, cackling away, [does a Spanish Wizard of Oz witch voice] “That’s what you get for playing with yourself last week! Ahahahahahahahaha!” [throws her head back] “Ahahahah, you wretched little masturbating humanl!!”
[regains composure]
    Excuse me. Sorry, sorry. I digressed into my overly religious upbringing during my teenage sexual angst years with that last little bit there. Again, please excuse me. [laughs]
    Anyway, I figure my cursed Lucifer Lucinda theory is the most philosophically acceptable theory I can wrap my head around while I grapple with my own breast cancer right now. If she/it has gotta suffer, why shouldn’t we mere mortals have to suffer too?
[sighs deeply, then smiles big]
    Well, at least I’ll get a new set of chi chis out of this Lucifer Lucinda’s revenge upon humanity crap. What the hell, right? [laughs] Get the pun, “what the hell” huh, huh?
[takes a bow] Goodnight folks! Thanks again, everyone! Ladies, please get a mammogram. Gents, tell your Honey you love them today. Goodnight!

NOTE: Here is a link to the first Nightclub Act that I wrote for this blog. Nightclub Mastectomy

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3 Comments on “Nightclub Act II”

  1. 1 jayedee said at 3:10 pm on October 7th, 2010:

    oh dear God in heaven!

    "A vaginal bacteria infection would be the equivalent to your having a thousand Fire Ants crawling around inside your gonads, gnawing away with full gusto"

    only you cherie! only you! LOL LOL LOL

  2. 2 Stefan R. Burnham said at 8:48 pm on January 3rd, 2011:

    Funny!…..Ants? Really? Can I 'unclench' now?

  3. 3 Chérie said at 9:36 pm on January 8th, 2011:

    Stefan, yes really — to the ants. As for unclenching? No!!! lol