Enough Love

Posted: September 3rd, 2010 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | Comments Off

Cancer Girl takes a stick, draws something in the sand. She takes in a deep breath, sits down.
“There, a personal boundary line has been redrawn.”

    After having one dear friend ask me, in an English washer woman’s accent, “Where the ‘ell have ya been?” — and another ask, “Are you depressed?” I figured I needed to drag myself to blog and at least do a quick update.
    I will admit after making the phone calls with the bad news that I still had DCIS, that I am right back to square one — it was emotionally draining. It felt more taxing on me emotionally than it did the first time I had to make those calls. But, I haven’t been hiding and I am not depressed — my body is just exhausted.

    I’ve been sleeping, and sleeping and doing some more sleeping. So much so, I’m beginning to feel like freak’n Sleeping Beauty! It seems that all the stresses of the past few months have caught up with my body, my Fibro body at that.
    I just hadn’t anticipated my body still needing this much sleep. But then, I hadn’t anticipated my cancer stretching out invisible little tentacles into the lives of those around me either. I’ve had to sit back and watch it dip it’s sticky little tentacles into their cauldrons of personal issues, stirring up all kinds of muck from the bottom, making their muck float to the top.
    When you’ve already got a huge pile’s worth of Universal crap piled up on your personal plate — it can become exhausting to keep on and even keel and remain gracious while others around you act out.
   My body has told me it has reached it’s limits of capacity to continue to do so.
   Normally I have excellent blood pressure numbers. From all the stresses that have been swirling around me the past few months, my numbers have become dangerously high. When my doctor explained the numbers to me I told her, “But mentally I’m dealing with all of this fairly well.” Her reply was, “Well, apparently your body isn’t.”
    I’ve been temporarily put on medication for high blood pressure and have been told to avoid unnecessary stress. I am doing exactly that. Therefore, I am restating a personal boundary line I spoke of in an earlier blog.
    For me, the following feels like a bitchy statement to say, again, but for self preservation I feel I must repeat this boundary line … If you’ve promised to be there for me, but can’t deal with your own cauldron’s surfacing muck? Don’t be sling’n it my way anymore. Apparently my attempts at being understanding and gracious, over and over again while others wallow in their own muck — it is taking a serious toll on my body.
    I’m going back to, “This is about ME, not you” again. I don’t mentally or physically have the stamina to tiptoe around other people’s egos, jealousy or control issues anymore — doing so is not worth having a stroke over, literally, at this point in my life. 
    There’s enough love for everybody in this world. If more people would scrape some muck off the top of their personal cauldrons I believe they’d see that for themselves. But for right now? It’s not my job to hold someone’s hand and keep repeatedly showing them that. Right now it’s time for my hand to be held by those who truly love me. By those who have loved me enough to have worked through the muck that has bubbled up to the tops of our collective cauldrons, together, during round one in my war with cancer.
   There is no possible way I can ever articulate my depth of gratitude to all of you who have done just that — worked through, together with love, through what the sticky tentacles of cancer has stirred up for all of us. Thank you all for your love and support. And, sincerely, thank you with love to those who tried.
    I’ll be heading for another nap soon … preparing for round two.

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