Life Vest ‘N Water Wings

Posted: June 9th, 2010 | Author: | Filed under: Billy, cancer girl, Chocolate Mousse Moment | 1 Comment »

::: Cancer Girl tugs on her Mae West life vest, readjusts her Tinker Bell water wings while
squiggling her butt into a better position on the turquoise inner-tube:::

    Yesterday I hit an odd eddy on my river of life. Upon reflection I find what triggered this eddy to start swirling was odd; that I rode the eddy’s swirl into the late evening; and, that I still have a case of ‘sea legs’ from it this morning as being odd. It is what it is. I’m not freaking, just finding it all, well, not to be redundant, but, odd.
   As I drove to a dental appointment I thoroughly drank in the beauty of the day. It truly was a gorgeous day. I consider myself to be blessed with living in a breathtakingly beautiful state within our country. So many winding, old wooded roads that bustle with wildlife still abound here. I opt to travel them every chance I get instead of main thoroughfares. I guess this is one of the luxuries of being ‘retired’ before my time.
   I’ll spare you all of the gritty details of what kicked off the odd eddy … but a few are needed.
   Before the dental hygienist got started I asked if I should go to the restroom now before she got started, “Why should I care?” was her curt Slavic or Russian sounding reply. I answered back, “Uh, because I don’t want to interrupt the long procedure of Dr. O fixing my filling?” She then proceeded to argue with me that I was there for a dental cleaning not a filling like I was previously told by the front office my appointment was to be for that day.
   Hello? What is there to argue about when the patient tells you that is not what the front office had told you your appointment was going to be about? No biggy, geesh. Just clean my teeth instead — but why argue about it?
   Anyway, one last gem from this dental visit … she hit a pocket of bacteria that was horrible. The worst I had ever had scraped at a dental cleaning. It tasted horrid! I was big time embarrassed. At a breaking point I said to her, “I sure hope that doesn’t smell as badly as it tastes.” Her reply? “You smell bad, I don’t smell. That’s you.”
   Okay, language barrier here? For the sake of giving her the benefit of the doubt, I then explained to her that I was apologizing to her for possibly having to smell a foul odor that came from my mouth. Her response? “That’s why I have my mask on.”
   There was a shift in my energy when I got up off of that dental chair. As subtle as it was, I could feel it. I blew off her rudeness because I didn’t take her crap personally. And, I knew I would empower myself by specifically requesting to NEVER sit in her chair again when I book my follow up appointments. I hope she works on commissions. (does a Bronx cheer)
   I drank in the beauty of the ride home, but the energy shift was still there, it was growing stronger. It finally grew into what felt like a dull rumbling sound and vibration in the back of my brain. I felt tired and fed up with having to be on hold with my life, with the cancer. No ‘woe is me’ — just tired and fed up.
   Life and it’s tasks are marching on while the cancer inside me continues to slowly grow while I’m forced to wait and wait and wait.
   I found myself just not in the mind space to write. So, I grabbed my camera and headed outside. Maybe creativity would redirect this energy … Nothing. I sat in the lawn chair for a few minutes and made an executive decision — screw this crap!
   My answer as to how to have some sense of empowerment again? Rip weeds out by their roots! I methodically pulled out each weed, one by one, out of the basil pot. I took delight in feeling them being released from the dirt, took delight it tossing them aside. Yes, I took delight in seeing the living invasion upon my little patch of intent — having a basil pot — being obliterated.

(Above) The basil pot prior to my stress management session.
(Below) The end result of my obliteration of the weeds.
 

   Then the chive patch found itself being wacked back, some spearmint found itself being transplanted as well as some of the baby basil plants.
   Upon completing my stress management session a beautiful gift popped up in my email. Shelly emailed me some new photographs she took. They were the flow of creativity and beauty that my soul needed to behold. Thank you again, Shelly. Thank you for sharing and thank you for exploring your innate talent.

   I thought the weeding would do the trick it quieting the rumble, slowing the swirl of the eddy. Last night was to be dinner and a game of Rummycube with some friends. Still the rumble of the eddy was swirling in the back of my brain. I only wanted quiet. I didn’t want to hear voices, smell food, hear my own voice or feel another person’s energy. I backed out of the evening with them. Thankfully, they were understanding.
   Later in the evening, after a lengthy phone conversation with my heart sister, Renee, I came to realize some things. She reminded me as to how very sensitive I’ve always been to other people’s vibrations. The hygienist was highly negative, she was also releasing some old nasty stuff from my body — that was a double shot of negativity to deal with. Plus, needing to actively deflect her negativity and draw a boundary line was tiring to me. I hadn’t realized the toll as to just how stressful having to be in a cancer holding pattern has been on me.
   While talking with Renee I spotted a bundle of sage that she had given me. We were both shocked that I still had it after 10+ years. We were even more shocked that it was still any good. It lit up just fine. I did a sage smudging on myself with the smoke, set off the smoke alarm, and we had a good laugh.
    Renee pointed out that this is a time in my life to utilize all of the tools I have gathered up along my journey of life, as well as some new ones. Meditation, guided meditation, Reiki, smudging, savoring chocolate mousse moments, keeping myself grounded with physical activity, and reclaiming the role of a healer and teacher by embracing the new title of a writer.
   Folks if there is anything you might get out of this particular blog, I hope that it’s the following … It’s okay to respectfully draw a personal boundary line, take a few steps back and reconnect with just breathing — hit the pause button on life. Even if it’s just for a few minutes, an hour, a day. Just make sure you let those around you know this is what you are doing and that you’ll let them know when you’ve hit the play button again.
   I may be still be swirling on the outer edges of this particular eddy, but, I have a good life-vest (my village) and some nifty water wings on (my coping tools). What a blessing.

::: Some bubbles break the water’s surface. “Billy!!! How could you?!?!?!”
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One Comment on “Life Vest ‘N Water Wings”

  1. 1 Anonymous said at 3:45 pm on June 10th, 2010:

    I admire your tenacious spirit. I appreciate the embrace of your honest words; they encourage me. It is my experience that moments spent within a "personal boundary" prove very inspiring and liberating. Thank you for sharing. I am thankful to know you. Later.
    SB