Here We Go Again

Posted: May 27th, 2010 | Author: | Filed under: breast cancer, cancer girl, Ist People, MonChérie | 4 Comments »

:::Cancer Girl circles above the “Temporary Reprieve Cove” once more in her invisible jet.
She looks for the pee bottle:::
… Uh Oh …
   Since last Friday’s meeting with Dr. W., the “MonChérie” has been docked in the “Temporary Reprieve Cove.” I am  having to sit tight until the whole issue about my needing a hysterectomy first gets kicked off. Granted, the plunge over the “Treatment Waterfall” has been postponed — but the waiting this week for the first of the “Ist People” (my GYN) to get back to me hasn’t been without some fraught.
   I’ve always been one of those “can do” type of people — assess the situation, jump in and get it over with. Hence, patience has been a reoccurring lesson throughout my life. Here we go, again!!
   No matter how much you do your best not to think about the various surgeries that are coming down the pike; not think about all the different “Ist People” that will need to be called, have appointments coordinated with; well, the pressure from it all still brews. Like a constant, low volume, mildly unpleasant white noise — like an orchestra tuning up, non-stop, no songs, just tuning up.
   Logically I’m still pragmatic about it all. But, emotionally I’m uncomfortable. I think though that I’ve finally figured out a good chunk of why this imbalance exists.
   After having a good wholehearted stressed out cry on Keith’s broad shoulders last weekend — I saw a glimpse into another reoccurring life lesson — Allowing others to help me … Here we go, again.
   I came to realize that I was still holding onto an old “untruth” that I had learned from many years ago — that I wasn’t worth enough to not be seen as being an inconvenience and/or not being worthy of someone helping me out. That they would get annoyed enough and/or downright resentful enough, to stop helping me — or worse yet, abandon me just when I truly needed them.
   T-t-t-trust … Here we go again.

   If you are in crisis or need help? I’m right there for you. But for me to ask for help or freely accept it from you? That’s often been difficult for me to do. Part of that is from my ongoing fight with the fibro and chronic fatigue — if I ask for or receive help, I feel like the fibro and chronic fatigue have won a battle. So, I fight the best I can to remain as self sufficient for as long as I can.
   That cry on Keith’s shoulder made me face that this isn’t like a fibro fight for self sufficiency — this is a lesson about my trusting my village. That they are helping me because they truly love me, period.
   This whole thing of having to dance to the songs of breast cancer is so totally different from anything else I’ve ever experienced before. I need to learn to be gracious while accepting help from people. Trust that they are doing this from a place of love, not obligation. And trust that they will stay by my side through each battle until I win the breast cancer war.
   My first ever sentence was, “I do it my by self.” This is not a time to cling to that independent spirit out of fear of abandonment. This is a time to graciously and freely trust in accepting love from my village.
   There is also another reoccurring life lesson — disappointed expectations. To not be disappointed in the people that “should” be there to support me … Here we go, again. I realize that I need to continue to let go of any anger towards these people because they’re just too wrapped up in their own emotional crap to behave with a modicum of decency and maturity, i.e., humanely.
   Even though I have a right to have that expectation of them, doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. So, why set myself, and them, up for failure by holding onto that expectation?
   Maybe some day I’ll hear a big huge “POP” sound — when they’ve finally pulled their heads outta their butts. Maybe I never will. All I know is that right now, in a war for my life against breast cancer, their humanitarian inadequacies are just that — theirs.
   There is a whole different orchestra playing totally different tunes in my life now — I’m having to dance to the breast cancer’s greatest hits collection.
   So, to recap the current “here we go agains” … Patience; freely accept help given with love; embrace my self-worth by letting go of abandonment fears; and, loving myself enough to let go of any expectations with the humanitarian butt-plugged people in my life.
   Man, I’m so glad I sat myself down and wrote today. This blog session has allowed me to get my mind and heart closer back in sync. Now, if I could just get the orchestra to play some ZZ Top.

:::Cranks up the stereo on the invisible jet:::
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4 Comments on “Here We Go Again”

  1. 1 Rhonda said at 5:45 pm on May 28th, 2010:

    Cherie, you are the only person I know who can make me laugh out loud while reading about your very serious struggles. You have a heart of gold girl–if anyone can get through this with their spirit and sense of humor intact, it's you.

    I hope the big POP (LOL, you crack me up) happens so you can get the support you deserve–but you're right–some people just don't have it in them to make other people a priority.

    I'm so glad you have a good man in your life during this time–and I hope you know your friends are pulling for you too.

  2. 2 Anonymous said at 6:16 am on June 1st, 2010:

    Thinking about you. I pray for your peace of mind and that you will continue to accept Keith's shoulder.

    SB

  3. 3 Chérie said at 8:35 pm on June 1st, 2010:

    Rhonda, thank you so much for your kind words. They warmed my heart.

    Thank you SB for your prayers and warm thoughts … every single one counts. =;>

  4. 4 thomasfarris27 said at 3:41 am on June 2nd, 2010:

    Hey Doodle, just letting ya know I am glad your blogginh your journey and getting it out there and touching other peoples lifes, miy own included. NOW , when ya hear that big POP DUCKKKKK WOMAN!!! lol cause some people have had thier headds so far up thier butts no telling whats coming out with that POP lmaooo ewwwww love ya Sisser Doodle!!!